RADIOGRAM

Radio one is Philips AE 1000 -  Wind-up  Anal. 2xAAs Dirty chrome AM (ex-FM)

 

Minus the sturdy double middle ll of the screwdriver inventor, but with enough Dutch street cred as to be credible to global capital, Philips is my constant companion. Too young to be vintage, yet far too battle-scarred not to be classically mid-life critical, he is remarkably functional - despite his emasculation during a pique of frustration against all things made from Chinese plastic.  
 

The twisted stumped remains of his once proud but fragile mantennacontinues to pick up frequencies, batteries or no batteries, static interplay or no. The absence of a modulated Radio 4 allows  ample bandwidth to accommodate nil-nil score-draws and low-level politico-media complexities. Philips can’t handle too much analysis. The constant adrenaline buzz of the bed under the traffic and weather makes him sweat. He’ll stay on absolute crap all day if I let him. No repeat guarantee, my rusty buttonhole.

Strengths: Tramp Camp on the North Norfolk Coast.

Weaknesses: Self-generator prone to abuse.

Opportunities: Spanish football commentary and Dutch adult-oriented rock.

Threats: Entropy, decay and lithium depletion.
 

Radio two is Boombeatz. 4xCs. White plastic. Bright LED halo around dial LW/AM (ex-FM)

Boombeatz, despite the funky zee, supplies Shipping Forecasts, Test Matches, Archers and Toadies in Parliament. She, non-binary be damned, as garish and grubby as Boycott’s bald pate after years at the crease, is my bit on the side: cheap, flashy and the ear plug socket no longer functions as a line out despite purchasing the very latest & finest in audio-sonic technology that £4 quid from ASDA can buy.

Decades of shoe-bombing legitimate targets has given way to an unlikely fondness for all things English and middle order. In a previous parallel, any wireless set within reach was fair game. At the very first beat of the Da-Dee-Da-Dee-Da that heralded the omnishambles of the wholesome rural melodramatists and their unlikely collection of dislocated regional accents, or else before the opening bars of the white soul limbo were able to announce that several privately-educated chaps whose names all ended in -ERS were on strike at the Wacka and the Gabba with or without Mr Packer, something inside would switch off.

These days, cricket chatter, posh-boy patter, tuffed-up Estuary banter and Northern natter all matter more than other things I could be doing, when I'm not doing much at all; the rhyming a distraction from the torturous tail end collapse and the mocking Australian question intonation. They really talk like that? Eh? No longer do I rail against class-based injustice at the merest hint of the words long and wave, now I celebrate as polite religious anoraks, cricket maniacs and shipping prognostications are spun around a tail wind of mini-interruptions for those whose radiograms are still polished on a Sunday, in a world where meat & three veg meets Yorkshires and the milk goes in first .... Whatever does or does not happen for the MCC on the BBC, like a cab driver at a free buffet, the threat of the shores of Anglesey becoming awash with ill-informed shipping, or worshipping Anglicans turning into nervous wrecks takes immediate precedent over all other frequency modulations.

The Church of England possesses authority still, mainly to move arses off sofas. On account of the irony and the static, getting radio two to actually get Radio 4 on FM has knocked whole hours off the end of my life. As for DAB, I’m off-grid and digital sucks like a plastic straw. Radio six lies askance in a drawer - only to be got out for extra special, such is the energy drain.

Strengths: Too crap to get stolen.

Weaknesses: Strong and stable government ideation.

Opportunities: Double-mono stereo effect in tandem with radio one.

Threats: Tesco, global domination by the casually evil and STI’s.

Radio three is Alcaltel. Mobile phone with FM radio. USB power source. Mini-speaker/headphones.

Alarming crystal hiss-free clarity. Short life-span. £10 Asda.

          SWOT analysis pending; results are held in a queue until further notice.

Radio four is Bush. A cassette player/radio. Chews tapes, refuses to acknowledge FM. Does AM.

#brandtoxic.

       Rapid SWOT TEAM response: name change highly recommended.